Growth-Based Relationships: When to Stay and When to Walk Away
Understanding the difference between genuine transformation and repeated patterns
In my years as a therapist, I've frequently encountered people grappling with a fundamental question: How do we distinguish between someone who is genuinely growing and changing versus someone who is simply cycling through familiar patterns with shiny new therapy vocabulary? You know the type they're suddenly using words like "triggered" and "boundaries" but somehow their behavior still feels like the same old same old.
This distinction becomes particularly crucial for individuals who have done their own therapeutic work and find themselves at relationship crossroads, wondering if they're being too picky or if their standards have actually become, well, standard.
Pattern Recognition
Our brains are pattern-recognition machines, constantly scanning our environment for familiar cues based on past experiences. Think of your brain as that friend who remembers every person who ever wronged you and gives you the side-eye when someone similar walks into the room.
For individuals who have experienced relational trauma or dysfunction, the nervous system becomes hypervigilant to signs of potential harm, like having an internal security system that's maybe a little too good at its job. However, this same system can sometimes struggle to distinguish between genuine change and what I like to call “putting on a front.”
This is where developing "healing wisdom" becomes invaluable. When we've invested significant energy in our own healing journey, we develop this ability to recognize authentic transformation versus performance of change. Think of it as developing a PhD in spotting emotional BS. This wisdom becomes a protective factor, helping us make discerning choices about where to invest our relational energy (because let's face it, that energy is precious and therapy over time adds up).
Signs of Real Change
Behavioral Indicators:
Consistent behavior changes over time (not just during the "oops I messed up" phase)
Taking responsibility without being asked
Actually using feedback to improve their actions
Respecting boundaries without arguing about them
These show when someone has moved beyond just talking about change to actually doing the work. Real change happens steadily over time, not in dramatic bursts that fade faster than your New Year's resolution to work out 5 days a week. People doing genuine work don't wait to be called out, they're already their own accountability buddy.
Somatic Signs From Your Body
Your shoulders naturally drop and relax around them (instead of living permanently by your ears)
Your breathing stays steady and deep in their presence (no more shallow panic breathing)
You don't feel the need to brace or protect yourself (your body isn't preparing for emotional combat)
Your heart rate stays calm during conversations (your cardiovascular system approves)
You feel grounded in your body rather than scattered (like your energy isn't trying to escape through the nearest exit)
Your gut doesn't send warning signals or feel "off" (trust that gut it's got excellent judgment)
You notice yourself leaning in rather than pulling back (your body language is doing the opposite of social distancing)
Your body is an incredible detector of authenticity, like having a built-in lie detector that works way better than anything they use on TV. When someone has done real healing work, your nervous system recognizes it and responds with safety and ease. Conversely, when someone is performing change rather than embodying it, your body often knows before your mind does, sending subtle signals that roughly translate to "something's not right here, and I don't like it."
The Safety Imperative
From a clinical perspective, it's crucial to understand that certain violations move beyond typical relationship challenges into territory that compromises fundamental safety. When someone has caused harm to your physical wellbeing or livelihood, the therapeutic recommendation is crystal clear: safety must be prioritized over the possibility of growth.
This isn't about punishment or lack of forgiveness, it's about recognizing that some behaviors indicate patterns that pose ongoing risk. It's like knowing that a broken bridge might get fixed someday, but you're not going to keep driving over it in the meantime. Trauma-informed therapy emphasizes that healing cannot occur in environments where safety is conditional or uncertain.
Why Do We Pick Who We Pick?
Understanding your attachment style helps explain why certain relationship dynamics feel familiar even when they're about as healthy as a gas station hot dog. Each style has particular vulnerabilities when it comes to recognizing genuine versus performed change:
Anxious attachment may mistake breadcrumbs for genuine effort, staying too long hoping for consistency. It's like that job that keeps promising you a promotion "next quarter" or staying loyal to a store that only puts your size on sale once every blue moon. You keep showing up because when it works out, it feels amazing, but mostly you're just getting your hopes up and your time wasted.
Avoidant attachment may leave too quickly when real intimacy and growth become possible. Think of it as having commitment issues with commitment itself the moment things get genuinely good, alarm bells start ringing that sound suspiciously like "this is too good to be true, abort mission."
Disorganized attachment creates internal conflict simultaneously craving and fearing closeness. It's like wanting a hug and a restraining order at the same time. This can result in choosing relationships that feel chaotic or unpredictable, where the push-and-pull dynamic feels familiar even when it's harmful.
Secure attachment provides the clearest lens for recognizing authentic transformation. These folks expect consistency, mutual growth, and natural repair when things go sideways. They're basically relationship unicorns, and if you're one of them, congratulations on winning the attachment lottery.
When to Stay and When to Walk Away
The intersection of healing wisdom and attachment awareness creates a framework for making these crucial decisions. Stay when you observe genuine transformation markers and your body feels safe. Walk away when patterns repeat despite promises, and your nervous system is basically screaming "NOPE" in surround sound. In therapy, I guide clients through a framework for evaluating relationships that honors both compassion and discernment because being kind doesn't mean being a pushover.
Growth Patterns (The Green Light Zone):
Demonstrates change through actions before being asked
Takes accountability without defensiveness
Respects boundaries without negotiation
Shows curiosity about their impact on others
Maintains changes consistently (not just when they're in trouble)
Focuses on meeting healthy and realistic needs
Caution - Proceed with Awareness (The Yellow Light Zone):
Acknowledges problems but change is inconsistent
Apologizes but continues similar patterns (the "I'm sorry" broken record)
Changes temporarily under pressure (change that only shows up during relationship emergencies)
Shows growth in some areas while neglecting others (selective improvement is still selective)
Detrimental - Safety Concerns (The Red Light Zone):
History of physical harm or threats to livelihood (hard no, full stop)
Gaslighting or reality distortion (making you question your own sanity is not cute)
Escalation when boundaries are maintained (punishing you for having standards)
Using therapeutic language to justify harmful behavior (weaponizing therapy-speak)
Pattern of crisis-driven temporary changes (only grows when facing consequences)
Discernment - You're Not Too Picky
Developing the capacity for healthy relationship discernment is itself a therapeutic process. Many clients initially struggle with guilt about having "high standards" or worry that their healing work has made them "too demanding." But the truth is: wanting to be treated well isn't demanding, it's basic human decency with a side of self-respect. In therapy, we explore how these concerns often reflect internalized messages rather than realistic assessments. Somewhere along the way, many of us got the memo that having needs makes us "high maintenance" which is roughly as helpful as being told that breathing makes us "oxygen dependent." The goal isn't to become closed off or impossible to please, but rather to become so clear about your own values and needs that alignment becomes easily recognizable. When you're firmly rooted in your own growth and healing, you naturally attract and are attracted to others who share that commitment. It's like having a growth-oriented GPS for relationships.
Partnership as Parallel Growth
A healthy partnership isn't about finding someone to complete you or someone to fix. It's about finding someone whose growth trajectory runs parallel to your own. Someone who challenges you to expand while never asking you to diminish yourself to make them comfortable. The individuals who have done their therapeutic work often discover they need deeper, more authentic connections. They realize that saying no to what doesn't align creates space for what absolutely does. Perfect relationships don't exist, but partnerships built on intention, consistency, and mutual commitment to becoming better people and partners definitely exist! In my experience, clients who embrace this growth-based approach to relationships report not only greater satisfaction in their connections but also a profound sense of honoring the healing work they've invested in. They recognize that accepting less than growth-oriented partnership isn't being humble or realistic; it's like getting a college degree and then applying for jobs that require no education. You've done the work; you deserve relationships that reflect that growth.
If you're struggling with relationship decisions or need support in developing healthy discernment, I'd love to help you navigate these dynamics. Because everyone deserves relationships that feel as good as they look on paper and therapy doesn't have to be intimidating to be transformative. Let's figure this out together, preferably with some laughs along the way.
